After decades of marital bliss, you and your spouse finally retire. Now you’re going to ratchet up the fun.
With the freedom to travel, take long walks or indulge in midday sex, it’s almost too good to be true. Hold that thought.
While many couples bask in the joy of a shared retirement, others struggle to adjust to their new life. Spending 24 hours together, even with your best friend and soul mate, tests any relationship.
Soon enough, you may crave more privacy.
“It’s important for couples to ask hard questions beforehand,” said Roberta Taylor, a therapist in Wellesley, Mass. “Some people don’t plan at all. They retire and wake up the next day and say, ‘Now what?’”
It’s better to hash out how you’ll navigate the transition to this new phase. What are our goals? What activities will we pursue — together and apart? What’s our budget?
There are many reasons why tensions can mount after couples retire. For starters, you’re not used to so much togetherness. The result: duller conversations, more sniping and a simmering resentment that your spouse is watching your every move.
Your clashing needs could open the floodgates to petty, once-unthinkable arguments. What should we do today? Where should we eat? How much should we spend on that garden hose?
Health issues, from hearing loss to weight gain, can stoke anger as one spouse feels aggrieved and socially embarrassed by the other. Disputes over adult children and grandchildren might flare up as well.
Gender differences pose another challenge. Stripped of their professional identity, individuals (especially men) may question their self-worth.
“In general, women are connectors who join clubs and have lots of friends,” said Taylor, co-author of “The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle.” “Retired men stay home and that becomes a big problem. He wants more from his wife, more of her time and affection. But she’s got her own separate life.”
The solution? Get the man out of the house.
Taylor recalls asking a retired CEO, “What do you enjoy doing?”
Eager to mentor young people entering the workforce, he began contacting local business schools and speaking to students.
When counseling newly retired couples, Taylor urges them to discuss how they will set boundaries to coexist at home all day. She suggests a three-step framework for this conversation:
1. A spouse shares “what I need” and “what’s important to me” while the other listens without interrupting.
2. They switch roles so that the other spouse opens up.
3. Together, they find common ground based on overlapping needs and desires.
“The last step sometimes involves negotiation and compromise,” Taylor said. “If you both get stuck in your position, that can be a problem.”
Couples might agree to go their separate ways for designated chunks of the day, but meet for lunch at their favorite café. And they can each take responsibility for completing certain errands or household chores.
If you feel judged for how you choose to spend your time, speak up. In a gentle tone, say, “This may sound crazy, but I feel like you’re judging how I spend my day.”
Retired couples also need to collaborate when it comes to their spending habits. They should participate equally in crafting their financial plan and make joint decisions on managing their assets.
