Dear Moneyist,
My husband and I married in 2016 and we are already struggling financially in our marriage. I work full-time, attend school part-time, and have a consistent gig for extra money on the side; my husband only has a part-time job. He works up to 32 hours weekly and has no prospects for more hours at that job.
I work full-time with a side gig and I am constantly in need of help with my portion of the bills because of the potential fluctuation of these bills. My whole income goes to paying the bills and his does not. He only pays the rent for the house we are renting and nothing else; he will not chip in to help me if I am short on the bills at all.
Every time that I ask for assistance and provide proof of why I need the assistance he consistently undercuts me by implying that I am not managing my budget tightly and that I should have money left over. I moved from another city, I transferred jobs and left my second job for us to be together, so my income has taken a drastic cut. Our joint bills are more than I had as a single woman.
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My husband only pays one bill with a set amount and I pay multiple bills with varied amounts contingent on usage, market value or economic fluctuations. He does not plan on getting an additional job or even imply that he is interested in doing so. But he expects me to manage this all while my credit is suffering terribly. This is extremely stressful.
Our plan was to live in this place for 2 years and then move to a home of our own that we financed, or rent a bigger place. My husband has no credit history at all and I have plenty of credit history, but it has been plummeting for over a year since we moved to our current residence because I have late payments, slow payment, or no payments.
I told him that without my credit history or him establishing a credit history that we cannot get anything at all. I am trying to manage the bills as best I can, but now my auto loan is in jeopardy as well, it is a lease that is about to expire in early fall. I have been behind on payments for the last 9 months. My credit has seriously taken a nose dive because of this as well and, when my lease expires I probably will be without a car.
My husband does not seem to care or realize how significant credit is to our lives. I can’t seem to convey to him how serious this may become. I have considered filing for divorce because I seriously struggling financially while married and can’t seem to get any help at all from my husband for our bills. What do I do? How can stress the significance that this is serious?
Exasperated Wife
Dear Exasperated,
People don’t usually change.
Someone who works part-time and shows no interest in finding more work, while allowing their spouse to pay the bills and carry the financial load, is unlikely to become a responsible, full-time worker who builds his credit and plans for a secure future where you can both enjoy retirement. Reading between the lines, he does not appear to be a victim of circumstance. Instead, he is content to let you pay the bills.
Perhaps you should introduce him to the wife of this letter writer, who said his wife told him she wanted her name on his house, bank and retirement accounts, or else she wanted out of the marriage. Or this woman whose boyfriend paid for her rent, food and vacations while they dated. They would have a lot in common, but probably not be that compatible. Would he see himself in them? Probably not. Entitlement is often disproportionately related to self-awareness.
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Attachment theory is based on the idea that people need to form strong attachments to their care giver in childhood in order to grow and mature. But some psychologists say that we try to replicate those early attachments later in life. Those early relationships may have been healthy, happy and secure or full of uncertainty, fear and fury. Whatever the cause of your husband’s behavior, it’s unlikely to be changed by counseling or a financial planner.
You can, of course, try. See a marriage counselor. Write a monthly budget so you each take accountability for your contributions. Create a road map with goals and how to get there, including income, expenditure and credit scores. From what you say, your husband is happy to ride your coattails. Give it your best shot. But be prepared to face the unappealing prospect that this is as much a character issue as it is a financial issue.
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Data from the Pew Research Center suggests that female breadwinners are on the rise in households, but that’s often by mutual agreement — either because of stay-at-home dads or men who have either lost their jobs or are chasing their dreams as artists or entrepreneurs. The share of men who earn more than women has fallen from 87% in 1980 to 69% last year, while women who earn the same as or more than men rose from 13% to 31% over the same period.
But your situation is more complicated than that. Many families have struggled in the 10 years since the Great Recession and, when one person is down, the other picks up the slack. That’s part and parcel of being in a supportive relationship. Not everyone is able to find a job, but they at least try. You’re slowly going under financially and you are the only one in this relationship, by your account, who is willing to help. You do not have to remain in this marriage indefinitely.
You may need to make changes.
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