Dear Moneyist,
Our daughter has been disabled for 10 years. We provide for 100% of her financial care. We pay for her health-insurance premiums, any medical care not covered by insurance, her groceries, her supplements, her clothing, etc.
Since she met her current partner, he has shared in providing for most of her physical care, which involves a very specific diet and emotional support. She is able to ambulate and take care of her own physical needs, but often cannot help in maintaining the household, e.g. shopping, cleaning, etc. He is a very good partner in so many ways and I recognize that he has a lot to manage.
We are considering buying a house for our daughter that would be very near ours. The house ownership would be in our name. Her partner would continue to live with her.They have been living together in a house we have provided for our daughter for the past four years. We haven’t charged him rent at all during this time, but have asked him to pay 50% of the utility costs. We are considering buying a house for our daughter that would be very near ours. The house ownership would be in our name. Her partner would continue to live with her.
Don’t miss: My uncle with dementia needs long-term care — should I refinance his house?
My husband feels like her partner should be paying rent in addition to 50% of the utilities. I am conflicted by this. Her partner does work full time, but it isn’t a high paying job. I appreciate the physical care and emotional support he provides, but my husband feels he is taking advantage of us since we are providing all the financial care for our daughter and the partner is living rent-free in the home we have provided.
Can you see a reasonable way of navigating this issue? I don’t want to do anything to hurt anyone, including my husband. We are in our mid-60s. We have worked very hard during our lifetime and are not planning to retire since there are so many costs involved in providing our daughter with a home and medical care.
We are concerned about her future after we can no longer provide for her because it appears this particular partner will not be able to provide for her financial needs. Thanks for your time.
Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned,
There are many reasons you could give for charging your daughter’s boyfriend rent and many reasons — mostly transactional — that you could argue against charging him rent. The least palatable, but perhaps most obvious, argument is the cost of having a home-help aide take care of your daughter. Is it worth charging him $700 per month when in-home care could cost four times that?
Swooping in and asking her boyfriend to pay rent not only could cause discord in their relationship, it would also signal to your daughter that you don’t trust her to make her own decisions and have agency in her own life.Several members of the Moneyist Facebook group pointed out the cost of having a home-help aide. “If you want to show your husband what her partner is paying with, first make a list of all he does, and then call around and ask what the prices are for housekeeper/care givers in your area,” one member wrote. Another added: “I would calculate the cost of a live in care giver and show it to your husband.” They’re putting dollar signs on this relationship. And I understand why.
Putting it in those terms may or may not help your husband see this from your point of view. But looking at this situation through a financial prism distracts from a bigger issue, one your husband should be aware of. Your daughter is living an independent life. You want to buy her a home and clearly want her to be comfortable. Like all parents, your ambition is for her to have an autonomous, happy and fulfilled life where she is free to make her own decisions as an adult.
Also see: My friend gave me lucrative stock tips—do I have to pay him for his advice?
Swooping in and asking her boyfriend to pay rent not only could cause discord in their relationship, it would also signal to your daughter that you don’t trust her to make her own decisions and have agency in her own life. This is her boyfriend, her decision and her life. You have done her a great service by generously buying a home where she can live, but your husband appears to believe that gift comes with strings attached.
Don’t miss: My husband works part-time, has no credit and doesn’t pay any bills
I’ve received plenty of letters about ne’er-do-wells. One man paid for his girlfriend’s food, rent, vacations and utilities while she was in college, and then she broke up with him. That’s a tough break. It wasn’t the smartest move to bankroll her life, but it was his decision. Another woman paid for her boyfriend’s rent and bills to improve his credit score, and then he bought a home for himself without telling her. This does not appear to be one of those situations.
How do you navigate this issue? Proceed on the basis that your daughter is old enough and smart enough to make her own decisions. By interfering in her relationship by asking her boyfriend to pay rent, you risk robbing her of dignity and self-respect. Maybe there are other ways he can financially contribute to their relationship beyond utilities: a joint savings account, vacations, retirement planning. You can gently make suggestions to her, but leave it at that.
Of course, you want to protect your daughter and your asset. You could and should make gentle inquiries with a real-estate lawyer in your state to ask about the rights of a guest/tenant living with your daughter indefinitely who doesn’t pay rent, but does pay utilities, and setting up a trust for your daughter. It will be your names on the deed, after all. Plus, it’s always good to be aware of your legal rights should things go wrong.
Otherwise, I believe this is your daughter’s decision to make.
Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyist and please include the state where you live (no full names will be used).
Would you like to sign up to an email alert when a new Moneyist column has been published? If so, click on this link.
Get a daily roundup of the top reads in personal finance delivered to your inbox. Subscribe to MarketWatch's free Personal Finance Daily newsletter. Sign up here.
